A friend of mine posted a meme from the Velveteen Rabbit on Facebook the day my divorce was final. It was so timely for me. I have been thinking about the journey of my divorce and I can honestly say I am so thankful for the experience.
I remember my first thoughts at the beginning of the process. I felt thrown away by my husband. I felt unattractive and useless and worn out. I thought I had given him my best years. When we married, I was young and smart and energetic. We graduated from BYU together. I gladly stayed home to raise our 4 children as I supported his goals and graduate school. I devoted my whole life to being a good wife and mother. Then, the man I gave my soul to told me that I was not enough. At least that is the way I interpreted it in the beginning.
My self-confidence was shattered. I felt like an old car being traded in for a new model. All I could see was my wrinkles, and lumps, and scattered brain. I couldn’t imagine moving on. I thought my best days were behind me. But, oh, was I wrong!
I consecrated my broken heart to my God and He healed it. No, it was more than that. It’s like my heart was cut open by the devastation and when the Lord healed it, he sutured pieces of His Heart into mine and enlarged it greatly. Miraculously, I felt great love and compassion and forgiveness. I now have a greater capacity to love than I ever did before.
My eyes are worn and wrinkled now from nights and days of weeping that turned into weeks and months of grieving. I still cry easily. I hope I never lose that sensitivity. Jesus wept. He knew that He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead–He was going to fix it. And still, he wept with his friends Mary and Martha for he felt their pain. There is no shame in weeping. Indeed, it is a Christlike attribute. I am grateful for my tears and the permanent tracks they have left on my face.
I’ve learned a lot about what it means to suffer. In the scriptures, Christ said “Suffer the children to come unto me.” In the footnotes it says suffer means “to allow.” In my first 40 years I did everything I could to avoid suffering in any form. It seems to suffer puts me in victim mode. When I allowed Him to make things right, I felt empowered. When I decided to “Let go and let God,” I turned my will over to Him and ALLOWED Him to deliver me.
So, by worldly standards, I will never be the woman who turns men’s heads. I’m a bit saggy and slow and I forget where I put my keys and this and that. But, I have emerged from the furnace of tribulation a new creature. I am proud of my soul stretch-marks. I have tear-cleansed eyes that see and compassionate ears that hear. The suffering was long, but it is through that suffering (allowing) that I came to know my Savior. He succored me. He wept with me. He taught me. He changed me.
And so I emerge today like the Velveteen Rabbit—well worn, yet, confident in the Love of my Heavenly Owner.
