The word trauma has Greek origin and literally means ‘wound.’ It is defined as “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience; emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may be associated with physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term neurosis.” Other words closely associated with trauma are: shock, upheaval, distress, stress, strain, pain, anguish, suffering, upset, agony, misery, sorrow, grief, heartache and heartbreak.
Is there a better word to describe the ordeal of divorce than trauma?
The Impossible (2012) is a film depicting the true life account of a family who miraculously survived the deadly Indian Ocean Tsunami of 2004. It is a powerful movie that accurately portrays the shock, confusion, and harrowing physical peril the family endured as the massive tidal wave came without any warning.
I use this story to illustrate the very real trauma of broken marriage and how it feels to be swept up in the treacherous waves of betrayal, heartbreak, abandonment and divorce.
It was the perfect holiday vacation—exactly as the Bennett family had imagined and planned. The newly built beach resort in Khao Lak, Thailand was a tropical paradise, and the warm sunny weather was a soothing relief from the drab, chilling temperatures back home. Henry, Maria, and their three sons spent Christmas Day opening presents, playing football on the beach, snorkeling and discovering the colorful menagerie under the sea. Rest, relaxation and togetherness was exactly what the family had ordered this year for Christmas.
The next day, Maria relaxed in a lounge chair reading a book, while Henry horsed around with the boys in the pool. A sudden gust of wind blew a loose page from Maria’s book and she walked across the patio to retrieve it. She marveled for a moment as the page strangely pinned itself tightly against the sliding glass door. The wind dramatically increased, and the glass began to vibrate rigorously. Dozens of birds spontaneously screeched and fled the treetops as one by one the trees on the coastline inexplicably collapsed. Maria screamed for Henry to grab the boys just before she witnessed a giant wall of muddy water enshroud her husband and children. She then braced herself for the inescapable impact….
Several minutes later, Maria clambered to the surface of the churning water—gasping for breath, and clinging to the trunk of a rooted tree. The torrent raged relentlessly and violently against her body, hurling jagged shrapnel and scourging her flesh. Remarkably, the tree remained stable and resistant to the mighty tide that was toppling other trees and heaving trucks in its course. Stranded in the midst of a sudden sea, Maria cleaved desperately to the trunk and shouted out in cries of agony and terror.
Suddenly her attention turned to the screams, “Mum! Mum!” She spotted her oldest son, Lukas, defenselessly plunging past her.
Instinctively, Maria, let go of her tree refuge and put herself back in the tumultuous waves to save her boy. This time she was repeatedly whipped around in the wreckage and was violently speared in the chest by a spiked branch. She gasped for breath and took in filthy sea water. She choked and coughed, yelling for her son as she helplessly watched him drift farther and farther inland.
Strangely, the current began to slow down, and Lukas was able to get his bearings. But, the stillness was deceptive, and was caused by a massive returning tide coming from the opposite direction. The second wave hit with an explosion, taking out power lines and thrashing the boy ruthlessly underwater. Lukas was knocked nearly unconscious by the rubble, and when he managed to emerge to the surface for air he lost sight of his mother.
“Mum!” he cried out. “Mum!”
Lukas shuddered as he searched the waters and sighted his mother’s lifeless body floating face down atop the water. He was silenced with the unthinkable.
“No, no…Mum” he voiced. Then, he screamed out in horror, “Mum! Mum!”
Maria revived to the shouts of her anguished son. Energized by the profound relief of seeing each other alive, they willed themselves across the current to cling together in a desperate embrace.
“Never do that to me again, Mum…. Never do that to me again,” Lukas pleaded as the two continued drifting, cleaving tightly to one another.
Unsure whether the disaster was over, or going to burst in with another shocking wave, the pair started moving toward higher ground. They limped along slowly as both were dazed, worn out and injured. There was no time to assess their wounds—top priority was to get to safety.
As the water became more and more shallow, Lukas came to an abrupt stop. He was following his mother and was shocked and sickened by the sight of her severe wounds. He couldn’t stand to see her in such a state, and his objection caused Maria to at last become aware of her bodily injuries.
The back of her right thigh had been nearly severed, and the flesh and muscle were still attached and hanging limply down the back of her leg. Her left breast was completely exposed by her ripped tank-top and was bleeding steadily with a deep gash. Brought to awareness, Maria tied up her shirt in an attempt to mask the blatant exposure. She reached out to comfort Lukas.
“I can’t see you this way,” he muttered, still looking away from her.
“You go ahead first,” Maria directed.
Maria was a trained medical doctor and knew the seriousness of her injuries and how to administer first aid to herself. She tied up her leg with long grass and soft limbs to lessen the bleeding. Walking became increasingly difficult as her body began to thaw in the humid air. Maria left a bloody trail in the water as she hobbled forward, and soon she was coughing up blood. They found a tree which they climbed with great difficulty by exploiting the adrenaline produced from the fear of yet another traumatic surprise. From the height of the tree, mother and son were able to survey the damage which left the landscape decimated and eerily silent.
Eventually, a rescue party of Thai villagers came to help. A very small, elderly man did his best to relocate Maria, but she was considerably heavier than him and completely disabled by this point. Thus, he clumsily dragged her through the brush and rubble as Lukas made efforts to clear a pathway. Maria passed out during the dragging and came back to consciousness with several native women caring for her and sponging her with fresh water.
A clean shirt was provided and the women gently dressed Maria as they ministered comfort. The kindness of these humble strangers softened Maria’s heart and her emotions began to manifest.
“Thank you, thank you so much,” she muttered.
Up to this point, all her focus and strength were put into merely surviving the disaster and getting to safety. Now, her mind remembered somberly the absence of her husband and two younger sons. She considered, gravely, the improbability of her family’s survival, and she groaned with grief.
“My boys…. I couldn’t see them…. My boys….”
Many of us have endured a likeness of what Maria went through as we have suddenly learned that a spouse was unfaithful. There was no siren warning that our marriage was in danger—the destructive elements were presented to us as a giant tsunami on a perfect family vacation.
Some have limped through years of grievances, addictions or reconciliations only to be hurt by further offense. Some have suffered a lack of closeness and affection for so long that they feel rejected, lonely and unlovable. Whether the waves came slowly, or all at once, the trauma and devastation of the end of a marriage is very real.
Acknowledge the Wounds
The first step to healing from relationship trauma is acknowledgment. It is important to recognize that the injuries are complex and include physiological, psychological, emotional and spiritual components. The damage often affects our identity, self-confidence, security, faith and ability to trust.
Betrayal and abandonment are severe blows to the soul—especially when sacred and eternal covenants are concerned. It is common to feel like a failure. Rejected. Ashamed. Disappointed. Carefully scrutinizing all your faults and weaknesses and transgressions and sins. It is natural to analyze the causes and find something or someone to blame. You blame yourself. You blame your spouse. You blame the world. And perhaps, you even blame God.
Blame is such an ineffective use of time and energy. Just imagine if Maria were to cry out in the midst of the tidal wave:
“What did I do to cause this?”
“Who’s to blame for this disaster?”
“This isn’t the way my vacation is supposed to be!”
“Why is God punishing me?”
In Maria’s case, the futility (and even absurdity) of assigning blame is obvious. Of course, her most critical efforts were engrossed in obtaining safety, treatment and medication. Likewise, our strength and devotion is best used toward becoming healed, rather than wasting them on bitterness, resentment or blame.
“It is reported that President Brigham Young once said…that there are two courses of action to follow when one is bitten by a rattlesnake. One may, in anger, fear, or vengefulness, pursue the creature and kill it. Or he may make full haste to get the venom out of his system. If we pursue the latter course we will likely survive, but if we attempt to follow the former, we may not be around long enough to finish it” Marion D. Hanks, 1973).
The Master Healer
When Jesus first began his ministry in Israel, he opened the book of Isaiah and declared, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,… He hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, … to set at liberty them that are bruised….” (Luke 4:18)
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland declared, “The world around you is an increasingly hostile and sinful place. Occasionally that splashes onto us, and perhaps, in the case of a few of you, it may be nearly drowning you. …
“… You can be helped. You can be made whole—whatever the problem. All he asks is that you walk away from the darkness and come into the light, his light, with meekness and lowliness of heart. … Christ has ‘borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows,’ Isaiah declared, ‘and with his stripes we are healed’—if we want to be (Isa. 53:4–5)” (Holland, 1997)
In other words, Christ knows our pain and grief. And through His Atonement, we can not only be healed, but I believe He makes us even better than we were before. (see The Velveteen Rabbit and Me, 2014)
W.O.W. Coach’s Practice Plan
Acknowledge the Wounds
- Black Notebook
- write down your troubling thoughts and feelings
- write about how your life has changed
- write about your pain and hurt and disappointments
- write out your anger
- when you finish writing, rip out the pages you’ve written and then destroy them. You can burn them, shred them, flush them down the toilet
- Repeat as many times as needed.